Kleptomania in Bollywood

Wishing the readers and their families a very Happy Holi and International Women’s Day

We are all aware of the drug problem in Bollywood, thanks to the media which went into frenzy at some NCB raids at rave parties and the homes of some celebrities. There was a lot of moralising about the decadent lifestyle of our role models. Bollywood in turn was surprised at the hullaballoo and their response was, Guys! Grow up to the new social reality. Everyone does party drugs, which have been legalised in many countries. And Hey lawmakers and enforcement agencies! Remove them from the list of banned substances.

I believe the whole fuss was misdirected. The real problem in Bollywood is not drugs but kleptomania. When one of our cricketers long back was caught shoplifting a pair of socks from a store in London and he had to plead guilty, it became a matter of national shame. Off and on, when some minor visiting VIP is caught on CCTV putting something in his bag on the sly, the embassy goes to great lengths to hush it up. Not all shoplifting is kleptomania though, which is a psychological disorder in which the person is unable to resist the uncontrollable desire to steal, without any motive for its value or personal gain. I find from the internet that about 3 out of 1000 persons are afflicted with this problem in the society. But shockingly, in Bollywood every hero or heroine’s primary obsession is to steal something. Today is also International Women’s Day. In their obsession with Gender Equality the women have lost sight of right and wrong.

Their most preferred object is ‘dil’ – Chura ke dil mera goriya chali. If they do not find ‘dil’ they settle for stealing neend or chain. What value they have? Zilch – a classic ingredient of kleptomania. Our friend Ashwin Bhandarkar, who is blessed with a very sharp brain, might say, that depends whether the chain is of gold or silver or an imitation, there are jewellers who deal in stolen jewellery. Ashwin! it is not the chain which the ladies wear around their neck, but चैन as in ओ मेरे दिल के चैन.

Everyone steals, but this person is brazen in his declaration. A natural corollary of the society’s apathy to the real problem. Everyone finds the drug raids more sexy.

मैं चोर हूँ काम है चोरी, दुनिया में हूँ बदनाम
दिल को चुराता आया हूँ यही है मेरा काम
आना तू गवाही देने ओ चंदा
मैं उनसे प्यार कर लूंगा, नज़रें तो चार कर लूंगा
दमभर जो उधर मुंह फेरे…

Bollywood is so inured to this menace in their midst that the victim lady is quite blasé about the whole thing: Dil ko churakar kho mat jana raah na jana bhool.

1. Dum bhar jo udhar munh phere by Mukesh and Lata Mangeshkar from Aawara (1951), lyrics (1951), lyrics Shailendra, music Shankar-Jaikishan

The law adds further complications. A burglar in New York, after breaking into an apartment and cleaning it of all the valuables, was making his escape through the drainpipe. The corroded pipe gave way under his weight causing him a bad fall. He sued the City for $50 million dollars for medical treatment, loss of earning capacity and mental trauma. The judge, besides awarding him the compensation, lashed at the City for poor maintenance of drainpipes.

Closer home, a pickpocket was caught red-handed and produced before the judge, who at the end of the proceedings, pronounced his judgment thus: After perusing the records and weighing the evidence presented by the two sides and their cross-examination, and considering the precedents and the settled law with regard to the standard of proof for conviction in criminal cases, I hold that the learned counsel for the prosecution has failed to establish the charges against the accused beyond all reasonable doubts. The pickpocket, confused by this legalese, looked at his lawyer who told him he was free to go home. Still unsure, the pickpocket, showing the stolen wallet to the judge, asked him, Your Honour! Does it mean that this wallet is now mine?

My worry is, if the society remains apathetic like this, we are going to see दिन दहाड़े डकैती.

2. Neend churaye chain churaye daka daale teri bans by Lata Mangeshkar from Anuraag (1972), lyrics Anand Bakshi, music SD Burman 

नींद चुराये चैन चुराये डाका डाले तेरी बंसी
दिन दहाड़े चोरी करे रात भर जगाए डाका डाले तेरी बंसी

Bansi was the culprit here. Having zeroed in on the offender, Radha and other gopis in Brij found an easy solution to the problem. They stole the bansuri – न रहेगी बांसुरी, न डालेगी डाका.

3. Radhike tune bansuri churayi by Rafi from Beti Bete (1964), lyrics Shailendra, music Shankar-Jaikishan

Unfortunately, the police do not have such easy solution to the problem of dacoity which, in police parlance, is regarded as the most heinous crime. It causes scare for its brazenness and indicates collapse of the law and order machinery (murder is generally a crime of passion or vendetta). However, one thana-in charge, Sub-Inspector Tiwari found a creative solution to contain dacoity in his jurisdiction. A friend of mine, who was a great raconteur, narrated an interesting experience when as a part of training as an IPS officer, he was made thana-in-charge for three months of that crime-infested police station. This is the most important part of an IPS officer’s training. The regular SHO is sometimes posted out, but they generally prefer to hang around, though denuded of all police powers, in case the Saheb needed some tips in policing. My friend, while browsing through the crime statistics, found a most interesting feature and asked Tiwari, “How is it that the number of dacoity cases during your tenure has been precisely four month after month, never five or six or seven?” Tiwari said with a disarming smile, “सर, एसपी साहेब बहुत कड़क हैं. 5 डकैती होने पर लाइन हाज़िर कर देते हैं, इससे अधिक होने पर सीधे सस्पेंड कर देते हैं. Therefore, during my tenure the number of dacoity cases has been four, and it will remain four as long as I am here.” But why not three or two? “Sir, what is the advantage? The SP Saheb starts getting jumpy only if the number crosses four.” My friend learnt an important lesson in policing; crime statistics is what the SHO reports.

4. Dil chori sadda ho gaya oye ki kariye ki kariye by Hansraj Hans (Punjabi Pop)

The victim shows a resigned acceptance; what can I do if my heart has been stolen? The victim starts blaming himself, मैं नशे में टल्ली हो गया, ओये की करिये की करिये.

5. Chura ke dil mera goriya chali by Kumar Sanu and Alka Yagnik from Main Khiladi Tu Anari (1994), lyrics Rani Malik, music Anu Malik

Continuing in the same vein of couldn’t care less attitude.

Contrast the above nonchalant attitude with Manoj Kumar’s firm questioning of Rajshree, you tell me clearly why did you steal my heart?

6. Tumne hansi hi hansi mein kyun dil churaya jawab do by Mahendra Kapoor and Lata Mangeshkar from Ghar Basa Ke Dekho (1963), lyrics Rajendra Krishna, music Chitragupta

For stealing the chain the ladies prepare the ground by exchanging loving glances (nain milana).

7. Nain milakar chain churana kiska hai ye kaam by Rafi from Aamne Saamne (1967), lyrics Anand Bakshi, music Kalyanji-Anandji

But sometimes the chain resides in the nain, and the lady in that case steals the chain straightaway.

8. Nain ka chain churakar le gayi, kar gayi neend haram by Mukesh from Chandramukhi (1960), lyrics Bharat Vyas, music SN Tripathi

With so much stealing going around in Bollywood, some unexpected things get into the act. In the next song, the suhana mausam does not rest content with neend or chain, it may steal the lady herself. The concerned lover, Raj Kapoor rightly forewarns the lady.

9. Chura le na tumko ye mausam suhana, khuli vaadiyon mein akeli na jana by Mukesh and Suman Kalyanpur from Dil Hi To Hai (1963), lyrics Sahir Ludhiyanavi, music Roshan

Nain or Nain’s chain are often the victims or coveted objects by a kleptomaniac. In the real world the meek do not inherit the earth. वीरभोग्या वसुंधरा. In a tit for tat, in Bollywood, nain makes a pre-emptive strike by stealing the जिया.

10. Tere nainon ne chori kiya mera chhota sa jiya pardesia by Suraiya from Pyar Ki Jeet (1948), lyrics Rajendra Krishna, music Husnlal-Bhagatram

11. Jab se pi sang naina laage, tab se laagi laaj, gin gin ghadiyan din kaantoon main…. Mori nindiya churaye gayo by Rajkumari from Aasman (1952), lyrics Prem Dhawan, music OP Nayyar

Let me end this post with this poignant mujra sung by Rajkumari; she was made for that genre. Nothing can be more depressing than losing your sleep. We started noticing OP Nayyar from Aar Paar (1954). But unbelievably, this beautiful song is from his debut film Aasman (1952).

P.S. Chori as an antidote to chori

After I had ended my post, I had an epiphany: If venom can be an antidote to venom; if हीरा हीरे को काटता है; if virus can be antidote to virus (general principle of vaccines), can chori be an antidote to the affliction of chori? Bingo! If you give the antidote, chori chori is no longer felony, it becomes romantic love. No legal or moral opprobrium attaches to these cases, as they are also backed by the modern doctrine of ‘consenting adults’.

12. Chori chori jo tumse mili to log kya kahenge, aji ise pyar kahenge by Mukesh and Lata Mangeshkar from Parasmani (1963), lyrics Farooq Qaiser. Music Laxmikant-Pyarelal

For the debutant music directors, Laxmikant-Pyarelal, to give such a superlative score in a perfect B-grade movie is a singular achievement. They continued their successful run for many years, finally breaking all the records for most films, most songs, most songs for major singers etc.

13. Chori chori aayi hai Radha, kadam ke tale haule haule/ Jamuna ke tat aa ja re Kanha, hriday mera dole dole by Lata Mangeshkar from Hum Hindustani (1960), lyrics Bharat Vyas, music Usha Khanna

What a song! The lyrics, the music by Usha Khanna, the voice of the divine Lata Mangeshkar and Asha Parekh’s performance all combine to create this everlasting gem.

14. Chori chori solah singaar karungi, aaj saari raat intezar karungi, aaye hain mere piharawa by Asha Bhosle from Manoranjan (1974), lyrics Anand Bakshi, music RD Burman

Zeenat Aman solicits customers in the night on the street. But even a fallen woman has the right to love. Chori added to chori purges her of any sin and she is in blissful love.

Sometimes the antidote does not work
Thanks to COVID19 we all have by now enough knowledge that vaccines do not give 100% protection.

15. Chori chori aag si dil mein lagakar chal diye/ Hum tadapate rah gaye wo muskura ke chal diye by Sulochana Kadam from Dholak (1951), lyrics Shyamlal ‘Shams’, music Shyam Sundar

I am clear in my mind. The lady has the right to sue the man for criminal trespass and arson. The antidote has gone horribly wrong.

“Stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife”

On Holi I do not go out throwing coloured water on others. I find myself reflecting on some serious issues. Today also happens to be the IWD. I should leave you with a really complex issue unique to the Armed Forces. In the Armed Forces when the officers go to the field stations taking part in operations and war with the enemy, they need the confidence that their wives and families left behind at peace stations, are looked after by the brother officers without any whiff of improper conduct. Therefore, all the three Services have put adultery (described euphemistically as “Stealing the affection of a brother officer’s wife”) in their Acts as a very serious misconduct, inviting court martial and severe punishments. Most Armed Forces around the world have similar provisions. This may appear obvious, but many persons accused of stealing or acquiescing in stealing the affection are taking recourse to the courts invoking the legal doctrine of “consenting adults”. Another example of Gender Equality gone too far?

PS. I am happy to find that my silent concern reached the Supreme Court and they have recently ruled that “adultery” would remain adultery in the Armed Forces, i.e. they would be free to proceed as per their Act against the guilty person accused of ‘stealing the affection of a brother’s wife.’

Acknowledgements and Disclaimer:
The YT links of songs have been embedded only for the listening pleasure of the music lovers. This blog claims no copyright over the songs, which belongs to the respective owners.